The title is a result of me writing this post. it seems apt enough
I should not be typing this right now; I have a paper due in 18hrs that has yet to have an introduction and another that needs to be heavily edited. And yet here I am, sitting here at my old stomping grounds of the forest hills branch of the Queens borough public library, typing, and trying to figure out my life in general, because I need to get it out of my head before I can proceed any further.
So to begin…
My life is in a weird place right now, im content with it to an extent. Though I have always wanted more, a lot more, like the whole world more, I am satiated with what I am currently doing. I am not the ideal student, nor employee, but I am striving to become what I always wanted to become, a beacon of understanding for myself , as well as to an extent those around me. Which to is to me, unscrupulously stupid because I always hoped to become the arrogant prick that I always saw our society was suppose to create. Those asshole C*$ts that seem unable to move forward their own unethical and arbitrary rules to create order out of chaos that only meant that they were as people knew them indoctrinated into their own repulsive and indecisive rules.
Did that last bunch of words or the entire paragraph make any sense, cause it really didn’t to me. Yet I had to write it as a way to free myself of it, a thought that no longer exists as a thought, but as an idea, is to me no longer important unless it can be of some use to another, for an idea is to me something for others to use, for me, they tend to go misused and fall apart at the seams. I digress…
I realize over the last 6 months ive done things that I would prefer not to divulge, but am glad to have experienced and what they have allowed me to and not to become. They have shown me that my life is not a meandering pile of hate that can no longer be contained due to the constraints that I believed my life put on me, because I frankly don’t care anymore.
Life has becomes what I cannot see anymore, something that I always wanted to anticipate, and gave me credence to hate what I wanted to hate and only become that which could become and not what I would want to become. I hate that. I really truly do, but it allows me to see where my life had taken me as a result of someone who would always anticipate the most optimistic outcomes from the most pessimistic perspectives. Giving thought to the negative to only see what I would believe to be the most ideal outcome to the worst thoughts I could ever have. To be dead while making a difference was better then being alive and trying to.
I see now though that, that mentality was unwise, unwilling to compromise for things like friendship, love, hate, and anger; All things that I felt in immense amounts over the last year. Fearing that my life would be better spent trying to grasp the ultimatum of my life’s actions rather then recreating them anew, allowing them to become what I fear the most, me not being able to do anything about what they mean to me—but, I was okay with it because I though it to be normal, an existence where my life as a whole would me mean little to nothing without a strict understanding of what my thoughts were capable of creating.
From there I met some people, people who where not unlike me, confused hating this existence, hoping for a better tomorrow, not for themselves but for everyone around them. I have said this before, and I will repeat it again, my existence and for that matters everyone’s, means nothing if they cannot at least attempt to do something better for the world around them, and yes it is very hard, because I myself am not able to financially able to support myself fully right now, all the while supporting my own immediate family. Yet it is this need to be more that has shown me in the last six months and to an extension of that, the last year, that I can be more, I can be what I need to be for the people around me, the person that I have always wanted to be, an impartial judge that does not look at the world through goggles of emotion to render something for myself alone, but as a means to extend my emotions a means to help others understand the world around them, and as well themselves.
To summarize, or clarify, because they are the same thing in this sense, I no longer resent myself and those around me, for what they made me do all those years. For what I had become or wanted to become because of what I thought to be true, was a version of what I wanted to be true. So I see now that those truths’ though a makeup of what I had become as a result of what I wanted to believe have become the building blocks to what I can become now.
\ So I have come to the conclusion that I needed to write these papers and to do so I had to get these bullshit thoughts on a document, publish the document, and only then could I see what I was never sure of without writing it. It also helps that I have some seriously fucked up feelings right now that are satiated only by expression of thought into stream of consciousness literature that I present before this today. I hope this utter confusion does not, in anyway make you realize your faults, because that really wasn’t what I was going for.
Thank you all who have seen what I have become over the last few months and neglected to acknowledge, it; I needed to see it for myself.
It also doesn’t hurt that there is so much awesome music coming out right now that I have these emotions of utter glee thanks to them.
the further down the rabbit hole i go, the more the light seems to blind me....