Monday, May 16, 2011

Because i does.

ADD poetry
A new series I’m starting, hopefully keeping up as well, with some of the stuff that would come out of this twisted mind.
I am but human.
Limited only by my ability to act on the actions of my thoughts.
Seeking only to please those around me as they shoot me in the back.
Perpetually understanding that the paradox’s of my heart are but realities of my thought.
Thinking. Bleeding. never fully seeding, the ideas we had but decided to just fallout.
Making us see what we never believe, as we bleed under-pressure, not knowing how to usher the light from our minds, as the blood drips down, making thought into a river, letting us see, which makes us quiver.
I am but human.
Lost to the days when carefree living was worrying about surviving.
Trying, to figure out how we may, if at all live without the nag.
I stand to find that I exist on line to repent for my wrongs, after not knowing what I did right.
I am but human.
Trying to see that which I haven’t.
To hear that which I couldn’t because it wouldn’t let me listen, only to find it lying hoping that I would go missing, just messing around with my thoughts, so I could be here all alone, just playing with the locks that shackle from skin to bone.
Knowing that I killed you, makes the world seem bearable, knowing it is silent makes me arrogant, knowing that my thoughts can assassinate, makes me think I can end the hate.
I am but human.

Friday, July 9, 2010

The moment, i died for.

Can the moments we live for, also be the moments we die for? If so, what would those moments be... ?

This is what helps me see everyday...

The idea of a moment is an interesting one, to say the least. It seems to involve thinking about what it is that you see as an individualized moment. An example most would seemingly give would be, seeing there child for the first time; seeing the love of their lives as that for the first time, the love of their life. But, what about the things as insignificant as was looking up to see a calming wind, or even listening to a song in front of a calming place. Those are moments that I have cherished since I realized I see things differently.

When i see something like this, this is a moment i keep close, because they are so unique they need to be captured.

I see things not as they are, but as I want to see them. In sense, letting these compartmentalized segments of time, something more then just something that can be passed up, but rather something more then the sum of its parts. From those parts, I choose to believe we have moments that allow us (me) to see things as beautiful as I want them, all the while seeing moments that do not actually exist is something I choose to believe is a necessity. Because, beauty is something that this world seems to have far too little of (no offense) and a little more of it seems be what is necessary.

Biology and natural make a moment, that i remember fondly...

The way that the light refracts off the sidewalk on a scorching summer day, creating a glimmering array of light that, only the twilight vampires could compare to. That is a moment of pure beauty that we take for granted. It would go unnoticed to those that seem to only see it as an annoyance to an otherwise ordinary walk down Queens Blvd. Yes, I am using real world examples, but unfortunately no, I will not be able to provide audiovisual guidance to see this beauty all the time. Yet, I digress, that is a moment in real time that cannot be described with anything by myself, but other then an anecdote about a terrible contrivances set up by Hollywood to swallow up the young minds of societies females—I can’t think but call it anything but a beautiful moment.

Really? Like Diamonds? All i see is the glimmering of pavement on a summer day.

The moment I realized I had truly, fucked up my life, is one of those moments that as much as I wanna say is beautiful, it isn’t but that’s what makes a moment so special, so unique. It is s point in actual space that makes sense to me, not because it was really a fucked up point in my life, but because I was the moment I realized that I could change, be something more, and maybe, if I try hard enough, achieve that which I seemed to covet so dearly without it being something unattainable.
And so, those are moments, about vision and clarity, tomorrow I hope to write about moments in musical awesome(ness) that I cant wait to ramble on about. Either way here are a few things to ponder over, while your trying to sort through this unedited piece of garbage.

Some music, to enjoy... its a litte personal, fuck you. Its a really good track.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

The end of stopgaps, and the beginning of something not too much better but rather more enlightening.

The title is a result of me writing this post. it seems apt enough
I should not be typing this right now; I have a paper due in 18hrs that has yet to have an introduction and another that needs to be heavily edited. And yet here I am, sitting here at my old stomping grounds of the forest hills branch of the Queens borough public library, typing, and trying to figure out my life in general, because I need to get it out of my head before I can proceed any further.
So to begin…
My life is in a weird place right now, im content with it to an extent. Though I have always wanted more, a lot more, like the whole world more, I am satiated with what I am currently doing. I am not the ideal student, nor employee, but I am striving to become what I always wanted to become, a beacon of understanding for myself , as well as to an extent those around me. Which to is to me, unscrupulously stupid because I always hoped to become the arrogant prick that I always saw our society was suppose to create. Those asshole C*$ts that seem unable to move forward their own unethical and arbitrary rules to create order out of chaos that only meant that they were as people knew them indoctrinated into their own repulsive and indecisive rules.
Did that last bunch of words or the entire paragraph make any sense, cause it really didn’t to me. Yet I had to write it as a way to free myself of it, a thought that no longer exists as a thought, but as an idea, is to me no longer important unless it can be of some use to another, for an idea is to me something for others to use, for me, they tend to go misused and fall apart at the seams. I digress…
I realize over the last 6 months ive done things that I would prefer not to divulge, but am glad to have experienced and what they have allowed me to and not to become. They have shown me that my life is not a meandering pile of hate that can no longer be contained due to the constraints that I believed my life put on me, because I frankly don’t care anymore.
Life has becomes what I cannot see anymore, something that I always wanted to anticipate, and gave me credence to hate what I wanted to hate and only become that which could become and not what I would want to become. I hate that. I really truly do, but it allows me to see where my life had taken me as a result of someone who would always anticipate the most optimistic outcomes from the most pessimistic perspectives. Giving thought to the negative to only see what I would believe to be the most ideal outcome to the worst thoughts I could ever have. To be dead while making a difference was better then being alive and trying to.
I see now though that, that mentality was unwise, unwilling to compromise for things like friendship, love, hate, and anger; All things that I felt in immense amounts over the last year. Fearing that my life would be better spent trying to grasp the ultimatum of my life’s actions rather then recreating them anew, allowing them to become what I fear the most, me not being able to do anything about what they mean to me—but, I was okay with it because I though it to be normal, an existence where my life as a whole would me mean little to nothing without a strict understanding of what my thoughts were capable of creating.
From there I met some people, people who where not unlike me, confused hating this existence, hoping for a better tomorrow, not for themselves but for everyone around them. I have said this before, and I will repeat it again, my existence and for that matters everyone’s, means nothing if they cannot at least attempt to do something better for the world around them, and yes it is very hard, because I myself am not able to financially able to support myself fully right now, all the while supporting my own immediate family. Yet it is this need to be more that has shown me in the last six months and to an extension of that, the last year, that I can be more, I can be what I need to be for the people around me, the person that I have always wanted to be, an impartial judge that does not look at the world through goggles of emotion to render something for myself alone, but as a means to extend my emotions a means to help others understand the world around them, and as well themselves.
To summarize, or clarify, because they are the same thing in this sense, I no longer resent myself and those around me, for what they made me do all those years. For what I had become or wanted to become because of what I thought to be true, was a version of what I wanted to be true. So I see now that those truths’ though a makeup of what I had become as a result of what I wanted to believe have become the building blocks to what I can become now.
\ So I have come to the conclusion that I needed to write these papers and to do so I had to get these bullshit thoughts on a document, publish the document, and only then could I see what I was never sure of without writing it. It also helps that I have some seriously fucked up feelings right now that are satiated only by expression of thought into stream of consciousness literature that I present before this today. I hope this utter confusion does not, in anyway make you realize your faults, because that really wasn’t what I was going for.
Thank you all who have seen what I have become over the last few months and neglected to acknowledge, it; I needed to see it for myself.
It also doesn’t hurt that there is so much awesome music coming out right now that I have these emotions of utter glee thanks to them.
the further down the rabbit hole i go, the more the light seems to blind me....

Monday, March 22, 2010

what we become... PT.1 Stopgaps

I have spent the last year of my life believing that there was something that I was meant for things far greater then my mind could realistically comprehend. Yet, my mind has the tendency to wander in places it is not really meant to go. In this current post, my utterly incongruent thoughts about the relationship I have, to what I see around me, and what actually exists. Ill try and be quick, but I highly doubt anybody is going be in the mood or proper state of reality to comprehend this.
I want to begin by saying, I am not someone you will like, and that is to say, I am not someone one can expect to agree with. I am someone who does not believe that existence is limited by psychological barriers but by psychological impediments. We take stopgaps to everything we do. Even though we are, theoretically, capable of far more then we actually do, the little things get in the way.
I guess that’s one of my fundamental flaws, I know that I have these stopgaps and yet I do nothing about them, I let them feed into what I am and what I become. Allowing it to consume my existence in the most minute and insignificantly significant ways, that is leads me to believe that I was only put here to fumble over myself and nothing else. For it seems that all acts that I have ever attempted to perform have either ended how they were supposed to with these “stopgaps,” or occurred slightly different then they were intended to.
Has always made me cringe thinking about what I could do if didn’t think things over a million times over in my head, convoluting everything that I would hope to achieve. Relationships, for friends or otherwise, have taken their toll on what I believe myself capable of.
That is why I need to become someone who takes the key aspects of a problem and uses the most important aspects of it to make a decision on it. I want to become the person who looks at a situation and reacts on if with my first and most important thought. It will be tough, but knowing what ive been able to do in the past it, it should be interesting.
Okay so this has already taken too long, so I will continue this later, and turn this into a series.

Friday, February 19, 2010

the oft delayed review- modern warfare 2

so i haven't used this thing as somewhere to post any reviews yet, but now seems like an alright place to start, three months after it comes out.
Originally published in Knight news December issue.

Modern Warfare 2, the sequel to the 13 million selling 2007 release Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare, had a lot to live up to. The original had a tight and well passed single-player campaign that took, the character all over the eastern hemisphere, and had some of the best action set pieces in any game of that year. On top of that It had one of the best and most addictive multiplayer experiences, that many other games have gone on to ape and improve on for the most part. So it was no wonder the developers, Infinity ward kept the game on the down low until they could show us its full potential, and well… it truly is fantastic.
The game itself is slightly different now, it still has the single player and multiplayer campaign, but Infinity Ward also took the liberty of adding a third element, that can be played solo or with friends; Spec-ops. Spec-op is for the most part a co-op campaign in the vain of the first modern warfare’s, “mile high club” level. It takes different situations from the single player campaigns and pins you and a friend against some obscene odds at points. With missions that look like the sniper mission of the first game and others having one player on the ground fighting through enemies, while the other is in the gunner seat of an AC-130 gunship, providing cover fire and all around raining hell from the sky. This mode allows the player to cleanse their palates of the constant viciousness of multiplayer and the sheer ludicrous nature of the single player.
If there was a game with the title of game that is most ripped from the headlines, it would have been the Modern Warfare. It took elements of our societies “war’s on terror”, and by putting them in a game that had you specifically seeking out “terrorists” it really gave you shock when one of that characters had a nuke blow up in his face and die a painful death while you had him crawling out of a crashed helicopter, all in first person mode. So it wasn’t surprising when this one took some of the more out there moments of the original and made them looks like romantic comedy. Modern warfare 2 does things that will shock and awe, because it is straight up controversial with some of the events that it displays you or allows you to do, because of this it prompts you twice that you might find some stuff controversial, making it something really adult as opposed to something completely associated with children.
I wont discuss story too much, because there are so many little things that it would seem unfair to those who want to experience it for themselves. All I will say is the movies Red Dawn and The Rock come to mind at multiple points in the movie…err game and that it takes place 5 years after the events of the first. It also takes the concept of a plan going painfully wrong with a full-blown invasion on of the United States and its capitol. As well the story, much like the previous games puts you in the role of different characters throughout, not surprisingly, a few end up with their untimely demise. That’s all ready giving up too much of the story, but it really is a little over the top, and not as grounded as the first one which had allowed people to believe its madness to a degree, this just turns it into an action movie, with a Michael Bay-esque instances.
The game-play however, much like the first is solid and tight. The controls are spot on, and the sequences that don’t have you just shooting are very cleverly done and fun as well. The mission variety keeps things moving, fast, and with out real hiccups, though some vehicle instances may feel a bit rickety, with stiff controls and odd aiming, but they last for mere moments if for less then 3 or 4 minutes. The environments are varied greatly, with your character jumping from multiple places around the globe, like Rio de Janeiro, Afghanistan, and other locations that would give away far too much about the story. All in all though, the single player has an excellent story, though a little bananas at points, is super fun to play, though anything higher then normal for non experienced players will have you throwing controllers because three enemies some how can throw twelve grenades at you with two hands; and it gets the action game concept right without diluting it with fluff.
Now multiplayer in the last few years has become the only thing that gives people reasons to go back to games. The original Modern warfare set industry standards for people going back to play a game over and over with its ability to bring players back to it because of its innovative game-play and leveling, giving the player the whole, “ill only play for five more minutes” syndrome. Modern warfare 2 continues with that tradition, by adding new load out combination's, kill streak bonus’s and death streaks, for players who are not as endowed at the game as the 13 year old who has already prestige, within two days of its release and killed you with a knife from half a map away, followed by calling you some sort of derogatory term.
These streaks are what make up the majority of the changes in multiplayer; there are long lists of things you can change about these streaks, which, in the first game were small and fairly limited. While you could scan the map call in a UAV or an air strikes, in this one you can do all those, along with call in a predator strike, control a predator drone, control an AC-130 gunship, and with a 25 kill streak dropping a tactical nuke, instantly ending the game and the person who dropped it, or their team automatically win the match. Preposterous you say, no one is that good that quick, well, as it so happens in the games that this reviewer played I had two separate nukes drop on me in two separate maps. The reason they are able to get these kill streaks is that this game controls and plays exactly like the original, so ever person who played the original over the last two years will instantly be almost too proficient at this game, killing you with grenade tags that seem almost impossible.
The death streaks are Infinity wards way of dealing with the never-ending cycle of spawn- death-spawn-death by giving players who have constantly gotten killed the ability to wither stay alive for seconds after their death to fire off some more shots, take the load out of the person who killed you, or in classic modern warfare fashion, martyrdom, where you drop a live grenade after your death. Though you hope to never have to use these, it helps when you are a casual multiplayer participant, like myself.
The game features the standard death match team, death match; capture the flag, domination, and something that no one expected, third person-mode. This mode allows for the over the shoulders running and gunning, which actually breaks the game for the most part, because the camera movement becomes all about spotting things before they should actually be in view, it loses most of its “fun.” The other modes, in first person, are still fun and addictive, not succumbing to the usual tropes of just copying and pasting, because of the streaks and perks that are available to you.
The game as a whole is an excellent experience, and absolutely worth the price tag, even the 149.99 price tag that I paid for the prestige edition, which contains a pair of functioning night vision goggles, which for the price tag are really a good solid goggles that will allow you to stare at the raccoons in your backyard to your hearts content. The game is all around well developed and well made, with a few discrepancies that would spoil the stories plot which could be a Bay movie on its own. It will keep you busy for a long while, whether it is, the single player campaign, the spec ops missions with your friends, or shooting/ blowing people up in the online multiplayer.

Monday, January 11, 2010

the Films list.

Movies are not a tough topic for me to discuss, the medium affects me like no other. As cliché as that sounds it is 1truer then I can ever describe in words, which I am afraid say, my skills do not allow me to do. Alas, I give you this list of the movies that made me, think, cry, laugh, widen my eyes to awe inspiration, and all around entertain me. These are but a few films that I feel deserve recognition.
Where the Wild things are
This is the reason I watch movies. This is not a movie, for it is an emotional tour de force, aimed like a scud missile to the heart. It reminds you about what childhood is and what you forget as you get older. It is also an apt look at the way our society functions, in a childish and immature manner, unable to become what it needs to in the midst of change, instead choosing to work around change like it is some sort of unchanging landmass that would take a millennia just to climb. It also made me cry like the little boy the movie made me feel I was, because it was so beautiful in its execution. I can give no higher praise to a movie, other then it has changed me- for the better.
James Cameron’s Avatar
This movie was a late bloomer on this list; it had a lot of hype surrounding it, not necessarily positive. Yet alas the existence of this film has changed my outlook on films from now on, no not because it was a 3-d explosion of awesomeness (though it certainly was) but it was what I have sought from films for a long time, a fully realized world of a existence. Though most movies are capable of creating a new world that has been inhabited by the existence of new beings, they are often diluted by the existence, or lack thereof of, imagination. Yet, the director, James Cameron, took distinct care to realize that avatar was not going to exist unless it had it self realized, and that is what avatar is a world, in known to all unless seen in this film, and felt by the audience.
Inglorious Basterds
Well, how could one of my lists be complete without a Quentin Tarantino? It couldn’t, honestly. Its was spaghetti Western meets a revenge thriller, according to everyone, but for me it was the perfect blend of ironic and quick witted dialogue, that honestly created a feeling of the giggles throughout and made giddy with excitement to see what would happen next because it was not a formulaic storyline with the long and drawn out end of the second world war. In stead it opted for the quick no holds barred, “ What the fuck just happened” that made fall head over heels in love with this film.
(500) Days of Summer
I should put this out there: I am sucker for a good love story, even when it’s not a love story. When a movie is able to put into perspective that a man is incapable of understanding that they (we) will never understand what the concepts of fate are or how they can correlate to our understanding of the opposite sex. It was poignant and ironic, in all the right ways, legitimately making it one of my favorite films ever, not tops but certainly around there.
The hurt Locker
Since I am a glutton for hyperbole, I would like to display my complete and utter admiration for “the hurt locker.” Its one of those films that has a contemporary plotl that is more important then most real life article written by the mainstream news outlets regarding a degenerative war that just keep spitting at those who participate in it. It is well made, entertaining and all around a vast and kind look at what today’s veteran has dealt with and the difference between those who do it because they have no other choice, and those who do it because everyone else doesn’t want to and see it as a moral obligation or a description of how they can do nothing else.
Same Rockwell alone in this film makes it phenomenal. Moon’s storyline and excellent progression of the storyline makes it wonderful and frightening all while looking at a bland future where life is expendable with the a document.
Honorable mentions:
The Princess and the Frog
District 9
Star Trek
An Education
Up in the Air

Sunday, January 10, 2010

i return for no particularly good reason.

What can I say that I already haven’t stated multiple times without looking back on it and saying, “you dumb mother fucker, what the hell were you thinking?”.
So, I’ll write this now to quell my own idiosyncrasies, for which I have many. I am unable to grasp the true nature of existence aside from, to quote Alan Moore’s character the Comedian, “Its all a fucking Joke!” because as it would seem the weight of the world it exponentially heavier then the weight that I have succumbed to, on my body.
That is enough just to keep me satisfied for the moment, for I have to listen to testimony and decide someone’s fate in few hours. That is the price I have to pay to uphold this inconsistent and corrupt democracy charges me with at this current moment. Sigh, it is not fair.
This year is looking to make me want to scream louder then any previous, and it has just begun, huzzah!